If You See Me On a Match.com, Please Know that You Will Just Be Dating A Copy of My Old Theater Headshot
Let me start with an introduction: I am a modern Woman who has a full-time job, owns a car and a condo, works out on the regular, doesn’t have to answer to anybody, and also over-purchased black & white copies of my theater headshots when I was 22. So, if you happen to be perusing a modern dating site and see pictures of me cliff-diving in the Alps or reading a book in a park, know that when you express digital interest in me- you will never meet me in human form but instead be dating one of 482 copies of my headshot I have left!
I know what that some of you may be thinking, “Humans can’t date a copy of a headshot!” Well, hey- if you think that way, you’re not open-minded enough to be dating one of the beautiful glossy copies of my headshots that have been sitting in my parent’s attic in a box for the past three years! Modern love doesn’t look like the old-timey “two humans holding hands in a park.” Modern love is anything you want it to be, and for me it’s 482 human beings falling head over heels for my old theater headshots!
Since I am a modern Woman, I’ve studied many things and read once that a photograph contains a piece of your soul. I really don’t want these pieces of my soul to go to waste in this day and age, so I figured the most meaningful thing I could do was to put them out there in the dating world. My headshots are pretty adventurous and daring, like myself- some suggested dates for you and one of my old theater headshots are to go on a hike, meet up for a happy hour, or go see a movie- I’ll even make my old theater headshot where a red rose or a funky hat so you know who to look for at the venue!
In this modern world, dating is sometimes unconventional, and hey- I was young and naïve and purchased 1,000 headshots because they were on a nice cardstock and didn’t cost that much. My headshots love a fine wine paired with a nice cheese as much as I do, and I promise in this day and age no one will even blink an eye if you’re sitting on a bench swing with a beautiful black and white 8x10 glossy photo! I once saw a guy pushing a three-foot sub in a baby stroller and society totally accepted it, so have no fear that this won’t be accepted as normal- I promise you it will.
Dating one of my headshots comes with some perks in addition to the sheer opportunity of dating one of my vintage theater headshots! I can autograph it for you if you’d like, as I was once on an episode of Forensic Files. If you’re more of a purist, I’ll leave it as is and include some fun paper clothes so you can dress it up for any occasion. And if you’re one of those people who hates paper-cuts (and who doesn’t!), I’ll even throw in a free pair of gloves! So when you’re flipping through dating profiles, know that I’m just a girl, staring at a boy (or girl or toaster oven- I’m very progressive) and begging it to date one of my 482 theater headshots left over from 1999. And who knows- one day maybe all of my leftover headshots will be happily married and living in a cottage somewhere with anyone who is reading this!
A girl with 482 headshots can dream, right?
Published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, March 30, 2018
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-you-see-me-on-matchcom-please-know-that-you-will-be-dating-a-copy-of-my-old-theater-headshot
Let me start with an introduction: I am a modern Woman who has a full-time job, owns a car and a condo, works out on the regular, doesn’t have to answer to anybody, and also over-purchased black & white copies of my theater headshots when I was 22. So, if you happen to be perusing a modern dating site and see pictures of me cliff-diving in the Alps or reading a book in a park, know that when you express digital interest in me- you will never meet me in human form but instead be dating one of 482 copies of my headshot I have left!
I know what that some of you may be thinking, “Humans can’t date a copy of a headshot!” Well, hey- if you think that way, you’re not open-minded enough to be dating one of the beautiful glossy copies of my headshots that have been sitting in my parent’s attic in a box for the past three years! Modern love doesn’t look like the old-timey “two humans holding hands in a park.” Modern love is anything you want it to be, and for me it’s 482 human beings falling head over heels for my old theater headshots!
Since I am a modern Woman, I’ve studied many things and read once that a photograph contains a piece of your soul. I really don’t want these pieces of my soul to go to waste in this day and age, so I figured the most meaningful thing I could do was to put them out there in the dating world. My headshots are pretty adventurous and daring, like myself- some suggested dates for you and one of my old theater headshots are to go on a hike, meet up for a happy hour, or go see a movie- I’ll even make my old theater headshot where a red rose or a funky hat so you know who to look for at the venue!
In this modern world, dating is sometimes unconventional, and hey- I was young and naïve and purchased 1,000 headshots because they were on a nice cardstock and didn’t cost that much. My headshots love a fine wine paired with a nice cheese as much as I do, and I promise in this day and age no one will even blink an eye if you’re sitting on a bench swing with a beautiful black and white 8x10 glossy photo! I once saw a guy pushing a three-foot sub in a baby stroller and society totally accepted it, so have no fear that this won’t be accepted as normal- I promise you it will.
Dating one of my headshots comes with some perks in addition to the sheer opportunity of dating one of my vintage theater headshots! I can autograph it for you if you’d like, as I was once on an episode of Forensic Files. If you’re more of a purist, I’ll leave it as is and include some fun paper clothes so you can dress it up for any occasion. And if you’re one of those people who hates paper-cuts (and who doesn’t!), I’ll even throw in a free pair of gloves! So when you’re flipping through dating profiles, know that I’m just a girl, staring at a boy (or girl or toaster oven- I’m very progressive) and begging it to date one of my 482 theater headshots left over from 1999. And who knows- one day maybe all of my leftover headshots will be happily married and living in a cottage somewhere with anyone who is reading this!
A girl with 482 headshots can dream, right?
Published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, March 30, 2018
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-you-see-me-on-matchcom-please-know-that-you-will-be-dating-a-copy-of-my-old-theater-headshot
Screw My Feminist Ways, Take Me To Bridgerton!
Lady Whistledown is calling THIS independent woman back to the 1800s, and despite my previous need to smash the patriarchy, I’m HERE FOR IT!
All is fair in love and war, but some battles leave no victors. It’s as if Julie Andrews were speaking to me directly as I was in a moral war with myself, a feminist who was now ready to claw her way back to the Regency Era! Betwixt my usual roles of fighting for women’s rights and reading Virginia Woolf, here I was, ready to sell an organ if only I could go back to the magical time of Bridgerton! Just, perhaps, not the sex ones.
The boot was quite on the other leg! Once a fierce activist, I was now all-consumed looking for plans to build a time machine to travel to Bridgerton on the Jane Austen-y section of the deep web. Don’t worry, it only has thinly-veiled sexism and lots of elegant images of smiling women in ballgowns forced to marry for status. Yet, perhaps I shouldn’t be wishing to go back to a time when women were merely adornments on a man’s arm, especially after all of the money I donate to Planned Parenthood!
What was worse — the fact that I was convinced that Bridgerton was an actual location I could get to with a self-made time machine OR the fact that when I got there, all of the money I accumulated in my IRA would become a man’s when I married? It’s hard to pay these questions any mind when there’s a shirtless Duke boxing… Sorry. What was I saying? Oh yes… time to purchase time-machine parts from female-owned businesses on the web, post haste. Take THAT, Bezos, and the Patriarchy. Bridgerton, here I come!
Once a Lady who wept happy tears when the U.S. elected their first female Vice President, I was now someone who was totally OK with older brothers forcing sisters to marry toxic men just for social standing. When I successfully time-traveled to the garden, I would give a resounding “Hurrah!” when Daphne whops Nigel Berbrooke! Immediately following, I would surely be shunned from society forever and stripped of the little rights I had.
Oh, but we HAVE come a long way since then! After all, the percentage of women executive producers is up from 18% in 1998 to 21% in 2019. That’s a 3% gain in 21 years! With progress like that, why should I feel shame in wanting to go back to a time where a women’s virtue was literally all she had? Lady Whistledown said the brighter a lady shines, the faster she burns. I was burning so bright that I forgot all about the Women’s Liberation movement! Whoopsie.
Was I dicked in the nob? Tsk, tsk! Far too often people call women crazy to devalue their truths. We contain multitudes, and even though mine conflicted, I was building a circuit board for my time machine because women can do ANYTHING A MAN CAN DO. Time travel, grow a beard, oppress other women! Oh dear, it seems I have been changed by Bridgerton, but not enough to stop me from trying to get there! I was metaphorically spiraling backward through my personal progress like the Duke and Daphne on the dance floor, but my wig and gown were STUNNING. I didn’t fully recognize the face in the gilded hand-mirror that my lady-maid handed me, and I was more okay with it than I thought I’d be.
What’s that, Lady Whistledown? I’m crumbling from the outward expectations put on me by man? Oh, you ALWAYS know what to say to make me feel like less of a garbage human! I won’t let a man prevent me from doing as I wish, even if it means heading back to the 1800s and giving up all that I, but mostly others because, let’s be honest, donating money and reading books don’t make me a real hero, fought for! Thank you, Lady Whistledown, for freeing this fierce but guilt-ridden amateur time-machine maker of all of her qualms. And with that, I gave a wink and an enthusiastic curtsy to the voice of Lady Whistledown in my head as I let go of all of my rights and jumped into the time machine. To Bridgerton!
Lady Whistledown is calling THIS independent woman back to the 1800s, and despite my previous need to smash the patriarchy, I’m HERE FOR IT!
All is fair in love and war, but some battles leave no victors. It’s as if Julie Andrews were speaking to me directly as I was in a moral war with myself, a feminist who was now ready to claw her way back to the Regency Era! Betwixt my usual roles of fighting for women’s rights and reading Virginia Woolf, here I was, ready to sell an organ if only I could go back to the magical time of Bridgerton! Just, perhaps, not the sex ones.
The boot was quite on the other leg! Once a fierce activist, I was now all-consumed looking for plans to build a time machine to travel to Bridgerton on the Jane Austen-y section of the deep web. Don’t worry, it only has thinly-veiled sexism and lots of elegant images of smiling women in ballgowns forced to marry for status. Yet, perhaps I shouldn’t be wishing to go back to a time when women were merely adornments on a man’s arm, especially after all of the money I donate to Planned Parenthood!
What was worse — the fact that I was convinced that Bridgerton was an actual location I could get to with a self-made time machine OR the fact that when I got there, all of the money I accumulated in my IRA would become a man’s when I married? It’s hard to pay these questions any mind when there’s a shirtless Duke boxing… Sorry. What was I saying? Oh yes… time to purchase time-machine parts from female-owned businesses on the web, post haste. Take THAT, Bezos, and the Patriarchy. Bridgerton, here I come!
Once a Lady who wept happy tears when the U.S. elected their first female Vice President, I was now someone who was totally OK with older brothers forcing sisters to marry toxic men just for social standing. When I successfully time-traveled to the garden, I would give a resounding “Hurrah!” when Daphne whops Nigel Berbrooke! Immediately following, I would surely be shunned from society forever and stripped of the little rights I had.
Oh, but we HAVE come a long way since then! After all, the percentage of women executive producers is up from 18% in 1998 to 21% in 2019. That’s a 3% gain in 21 years! With progress like that, why should I feel shame in wanting to go back to a time where a women’s virtue was literally all she had? Lady Whistledown said the brighter a lady shines, the faster she burns. I was burning so bright that I forgot all about the Women’s Liberation movement! Whoopsie.
Was I dicked in the nob? Tsk, tsk! Far too often people call women crazy to devalue their truths. We contain multitudes, and even though mine conflicted, I was building a circuit board for my time machine because women can do ANYTHING A MAN CAN DO. Time travel, grow a beard, oppress other women! Oh dear, it seems I have been changed by Bridgerton, but not enough to stop me from trying to get there! I was metaphorically spiraling backward through my personal progress like the Duke and Daphne on the dance floor, but my wig and gown were STUNNING. I didn’t fully recognize the face in the gilded hand-mirror that my lady-maid handed me, and I was more okay with it than I thought I’d be.
What’s that, Lady Whistledown? I’m crumbling from the outward expectations put on me by man? Oh, you ALWAYS know what to say to make me feel like less of a garbage human! I won’t let a man prevent me from doing as I wish, even if it means heading back to the 1800s and giving up all that I, but mostly others because, let’s be honest, donating money and reading books don’t make me a real hero, fought for! Thank you, Lady Whistledown, for freeing this fierce but guilt-ridden amateur time-machine maker of all of her qualms. And with that, I gave a wink and an enthusiastic curtsy to the voice of Lady Whistledown in my head as I let go of all of my rights and jumped into the time machine. To Bridgerton!
5 Ways to Commit to Being Vegan Without Ever Committing to Being Vegan
In a world full of people who are constantly making you feel guilty for things (I’m talking to YOU, Stacy) like not doing your part and becoming Vegan because the environment will surely benefit from one person in the suburbs not eating so many ribs, I’ve come up with a surefire way to trick the world into thinking you’re a Vegan without ever having to fully commit to being Vegan! Trust me- it’ll just be our little secret that you’re secretly killing the environment while the entire world- including Stacy- will think you’re both woke AND a great environmentalist/human being!
In a world full of people who are constantly making you feel guilty for things (I’m talking to YOU, Stacy) like not doing your part and becoming Vegan because the environment will surely benefit from one person in the suburbs not eating so many ribs, I’ve come up with a surefire way to trick the world into thinking you’re a Vegan without ever having to fully commit to being Vegan! Trust me- it’ll just be our little secret that you’re secretly killing the environment while the entire world- including Stacy- will think you’re both woke AND a great environmentalist/human being!
- Stock your shelves that people will see with tofu, fruits, vegetables, figs, bread and other starches. And then saw out a piece of dry wall in the basement, put a mini fridge filled with bacon, frozen meatballs, and the good cheese behind it, place the piece of wall back, and hang a vintage framed photo over it so no one will ever think to look there.
- At a party where there’s no vegan options but your Mom is watching your every move to make sure your sticking to your strict Vegan diet? No prob! Eat any nearby decorative plant that doesn’t look poisonous while staring your mother straight in the eyes. Then excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and eat that baconator you’ve been carrying around in your purse! Even if it’s been in there awhile, it’ll still taste better than that houseplant!
- On a hot date? Order the sexiest vegan option, like a plant based burrito, and then when it comes yell “Woah, is that Hulk Hogan at the salad bar?!?!” And when your date turns around to see if it’s really Hulk Hogan, take out the bacon bits and shredded cheddar you’ve kept in your pocket, and load that baby up!
- Have a favorite neighborhood supermarket where people know you and are secretly keeping track of everything you buy? Make sure to buy all of your vegan options there, and then drive three counties over wearing Groucho glasses and a hat, pretend you’re on Supermarket Sweep, and load up two carts full of Tostinos, Pierogis, and White Castle sliders in under 5 minutes. Store it at an allies’ house until the house is empty and you can safely get them to your secret fridge.
- This is a trick I learned as a young child- if you’re in a pinch and can’t secretly eat an Italian hoagie in an empty storage room, no biggie- just yell “I’m on vacation!” Even if you’re not on vacation, this phrase makes it OK to do, say, or eat whatever the fuck you want. Things don’t count when you’re on vacation, and you’ll still be an upstanding Vegan in the eyes of all of those around you, because hey- they get it! You’re on vacation, and nothing counts when you’re on vacation! So go ahead and have that meatball calzone topped with a few pigs in a blanket!
An Open Letter to the Hatman AND the Scatman
Dear Hatman and Scatman,
Or should I say Lou Bega and John Paul Larkin? On second thought, I think Hatman and Scatman really sum it up. I just want to say “hats off” for releasing a collabo called “Scatman and Hatman” between two of the greatest artists to blare out of the Wildwood Boardwalk speakers two decades ago! Sheer ba-dop-ba-da-dop-brilliance. Hats off, Hatman. Scats off, Scatman.
I do have one question for the Hatman though…was the Scat-man even involved in this video? Have you two ever been in the same room together? Could you ACTUALLY be the same person? I only ask because you DO both wear hats, and all of the Scat-man’s footage is from his original video. The lyrics do begin with “Scatman and Hatman travel in time!” but to be honest it only looks like the Hatman is actually travelling in time, as Scatman is exactly how he was in the 1995 hit video from the critically acclaimed* (if it wasn’t, it SHOULD be) album “Scatman’s World”.
The sheer idea that one of you in the future and one of you in stock footage form could collaborate makes my adolescent heart (now stuck in a 35 year old woman’s body) skip a be-ba-bop-ba-dop-beat. Both of your songs ruled the Wildwood Boardwalk in the late 1990’s! I remember being stuck on the Tilt-A-Whirl because the ride operator Ricky had a crush on my Aunt Roe. The whole 45 minutes was a blur of “Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop” and “A Little Bit of Tina by my side!” At one point, Ricky would just chime in on the PA system when any woman’s name was said and replace it with “Roe!” It would’ve been more charming were we not on the verge of puking after leaning to the left on turns for almost a full hour.
I think you did a really nice job of bringing the song into modern times with the second line- “Scatman & Hatman going online!” And by “you”, I mean “Hatman” because you had to write all of the lyrics. Or maybe you and Scatman sat down in a hat factory (or a scat factory? …I hope it wasn’t that one) and penned the words? Perhaps Scatman is being followed too closely by the government and has a new face (I bet he kept the same hat), and this is the reason he didn’t want to appear in the video. I mean, in 1995 I honestly didn’t know either of you wore hats because that was before the golden age of the Internet. If only I paid more attention to The Box when someone paid $1.99 via phone to request your feel-good-videos-of-the-summer-I would’ve clearly caught on that you were both “hatman’s”!
I’m sorry if I seem to be focusing more on the Hatman here, Scatman. I know this is an open letter to be-ba-bop-ba-dop-both of you, but I’m really not sure you exist based on the fact that I’ve only ever seen you in that video from 1995. I really would’ve liked to see you scatting in a nice hat in this new video. I mean, the original video is a CLASSIC so maybe you were thinking “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and I get it, believe me. Who can touch lyrics like “The stutter and the scat is the same thing.” Easily the coolest stance on speech disorders TO DATE. Not to be overlooked for your political stance in the lyrics, “Why should we be pleasin' all the politician heathens who would try to change the seasons if they could?” If you decide to come out of hiding, the 2020 elections are coming up and you’d make a great campaign manager!
Before I let you go (because I’m pretty sure only the Hatman will actually see this), I do have one more question for you, the Hatman- did you think of having a hat counter in the corner of any of your videos? It would be a logical move to have one in everything you do from here on out, and that might be a cool way to incorporate present-day Scatman in future projects! Maybe he can scat the number of hats he sees in the corner of the screen? Imagine how cool it would be to hear him say “Three-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!” after the third hat is shown! If it seems like a good idea to you, it’s all yours- royalty free-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!
I hope you didn’t take offense to my hat-counter idea, Hatman. This truly is a love letter to both of you (please pass this along to the Scatman, Hatman- as I’m sure he’s not reading this) patting you on the hat…I mean scat…I mean skee-ba-bop-ba-dop-back for bringing together two icons of my childhood- I can’t hear either of your songs without imagining myself spinning backwards on the Himalaya, and I thank you from the be-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop-bottom of my heart for that.
Yours in Hats,
A little bit of Aubrie-ba-da-bop-ba-dop Williams by your side 4evr
Dear Hatman and Scatman,
Or should I say Lou Bega and John Paul Larkin? On second thought, I think Hatman and Scatman really sum it up. I just want to say “hats off” for releasing a collabo called “Scatman and Hatman” between two of the greatest artists to blare out of the Wildwood Boardwalk speakers two decades ago! Sheer ba-dop-ba-da-dop-brilliance. Hats off, Hatman. Scats off, Scatman.
I do have one question for the Hatman though…was the Scat-man even involved in this video? Have you two ever been in the same room together? Could you ACTUALLY be the same person? I only ask because you DO both wear hats, and all of the Scat-man’s footage is from his original video. The lyrics do begin with “Scatman and Hatman travel in time!” but to be honest it only looks like the Hatman is actually travelling in time, as Scatman is exactly how he was in the 1995 hit video from the critically acclaimed* (if it wasn’t, it SHOULD be) album “Scatman’s World”.
The sheer idea that one of you in the future and one of you in stock footage form could collaborate makes my adolescent heart (now stuck in a 35 year old woman’s body) skip a be-ba-bop-ba-dop-beat. Both of your songs ruled the Wildwood Boardwalk in the late 1990’s! I remember being stuck on the Tilt-A-Whirl because the ride operator Ricky had a crush on my Aunt Roe. The whole 45 minutes was a blur of “Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop” and “A Little Bit of Tina by my side!” At one point, Ricky would just chime in on the PA system when any woman’s name was said and replace it with “Roe!” It would’ve been more charming were we not on the verge of puking after leaning to the left on turns for almost a full hour.
I think you did a really nice job of bringing the song into modern times with the second line- “Scatman & Hatman going online!” And by “you”, I mean “Hatman” because you had to write all of the lyrics. Or maybe you and Scatman sat down in a hat factory (or a scat factory? …I hope it wasn’t that one) and penned the words? Perhaps Scatman is being followed too closely by the government and has a new face (I bet he kept the same hat), and this is the reason he didn’t want to appear in the video. I mean, in 1995 I honestly didn’t know either of you wore hats because that was before the golden age of the Internet. If only I paid more attention to The Box when someone paid $1.99 via phone to request your feel-good-videos-of-the-summer-I would’ve clearly caught on that you were both “hatman’s”!
I’m sorry if I seem to be focusing more on the Hatman here, Scatman. I know this is an open letter to be-ba-bop-ba-dop-both of you, but I’m really not sure you exist based on the fact that I’ve only ever seen you in that video from 1995. I really would’ve liked to see you scatting in a nice hat in this new video. I mean, the original video is a CLASSIC so maybe you were thinking “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and I get it, believe me. Who can touch lyrics like “The stutter and the scat is the same thing.” Easily the coolest stance on speech disorders TO DATE. Not to be overlooked for your political stance in the lyrics, “Why should we be pleasin' all the politician heathens who would try to change the seasons if they could?” If you decide to come out of hiding, the 2020 elections are coming up and you’d make a great campaign manager!
Before I let you go (because I’m pretty sure only the Hatman will actually see this), I do have one more question for you, the Hatman- did you think of having a hat counter in the corner of any of your videos? It would be a logical move to have one in everything you do from here on out, and that might be a cool way to incorporate present-day Scatman in future projects! Maybe he can scat the number of hats he sees in the corner of the screen? Imagine how cool it would be to hear him say “Three-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!” after the third hat is shown! If it seems like a good idea to you, it’s all yours- royalty free-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!
I hope you didn’t take offense to my hat-counter idea, Hatman. This truly is a love letter to both of you (please pass this along to the Scatman, Hatman- as I’m sure he’s not reading this) patting you on the hat…I mean scat…I mean skee-ba-bop-ba-dop-back for bringing together two icons of my childhood- I can’t hear either of your songs without imagining myself spinning backwards on the Himalaya, and I thank you from the be-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop-bottom of my heart for that.
Yours in Hats,
A little bit of Aubrie-ba-da-bop-ba-dop Williams by your side 4evr