If You See Me On a Match.com, Please Know that You Will Just Be Dating A Copy of My Old Theater Headshot
Let me start with an introduction: I am a modern Woman who has a full-time job, owns a car and a condo, works out on the regular, doesn’t have to answer to anybody, and also over-purchased black & white copies of my theater headshots when I was 22. So, if you happen to be perusing a modern dating site and see pictures of me cliff-diving in the Alps or reading a book in a park, know that when you express digital interest in me- you will never meet me in human form but instead be dating one of 482 copies of my headshot I have left!
I know what that some of you may be thinking, “Humans can’t date a copy of a headshot!” Well, hey- if you think that way, you’re not open-minded enough to be dating one of the beautiful glossy copies of my headshots that have been sitting in my parent’s attic in a box for the past three years! Modern love doesn’t look like the old-timey “two humans holding hands in a park.” Modern love is anything you want it to be, and for me it’s 482 human beings falling head over heels for my old theater headshots!
Since I am a modern Woman, I’ve studied many things and read once that a photograph contains a piece of your soul. I really don’t want these pieces of my soul to go to waste in this day and age, so I figured the most meaningful thing I could do was to put them out there in the dating world. My headshots are pretty adventurous and daring, like myself- some suggested dates for you and one of my old theater headshots are to go on a hike, meet up for a happy hour, or go see a movie- I’ll even make my old theater headshot where a red rose or a funky hat so you know who to look for at the venue!
In this modern world, dating is sometimes unconventional, and hey- I was young and naïve and purchased 1,000 headshots because they were on a nice cardstock and didn’t cost that much. My headshots love a fine wine paired with a nice cheese as much as I do, and I promise in this day and age no one will even blink an eye if you’re sitting on a bench swing with a beautiful black and white 8x10 glossy photo! I once saw a guy pushing a three-foot sub in a baby stroller and society totally accepted it, so have no fear that this won’t be accepted as normal- I promise you it will.
Dating one of my headshots comes with some perks in addition to the sheer opportunity of dating one of my vintage theater headshots! I can autograph it for you if you’d like, as I was once on an episode of Forensic Files. If you’re more of a purist, I’ll leave it as is and include some fun paper clothes so you can dress it up for any occasion. And if you’re one of those people who hates paper-cuts (and who doesn’t!), I’ll even throw in a free pair of gloves! So when you’re flipping through dating profiles, know that I’m just a girl, staring at a boy (or girl or toaster oven- I’m very progressive) and begging it to date one of my 482 theater headshots left over from 1999. And who knows- one day maybe all of my leftover headshots will be happily married and living in a cottage somewhere with anyone who is reading this!
A girl with 482 headshots can dream, right?
Published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, March 30, 2018 https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-you-see-me-on-matchcom-please-know-that-you-will-be-dating-a-copy-of-my-old-theater-headshot
5 DIY Hacks I Learned From My Grade-School Shop Teacher With A Wooden Leg
Wood cut into a triangle makes a great doorstopper, and kids love sliding down sawdust piles at Old Mills!
The second part sounds unconventional, but so was Mr. Kirkson! He claimed kids loved sliding down old sawdust piles better than any fancy playground, and we thought it was real brave of him to go there since it seemed ultimately dangerous for the state of his wooden leg!
Use an old mason jar for the top of a gumball machine, and also you can donate all of your wooden legs to the school’s health class for when they learn about prosthetics!
Mason jars make great gumball machines when paired with a wooden base, and also it’s great to expand your student’s knowledge about prosthetics! Once your insurance covers the new Wooden Leg 5.0, donate the older version to the schools Health class! That way the kids can have a real grasp on all the almost most up-to-date prosthetics in existence! Bonus points if you carve “Health Class Rulez +” into it before passing it along!
If you melt a record down and shape it correctly it can be used as a neat desk organizer! Also, pranks are fun!
The record desk organizers hold pencils and paper nicely! And don’t forget to make sure to not tell the incoming sixth grade class you have a wooden leg, that way while you’re carving on the wooden table with a knife you can switch gears and stab your wooden leg when they LEAST EXPECT IT! It’s sure to give them all a good chuckle, and won’t hurt you at all because your leg is wooden!
Always wear safety goggles, and be sure never to put your left leg too close to a table saw!
Safety is important, especially when working with young children! You don’t want to lose and eye- or a leg, but hey, it happens! Safety goggles prevent the eye part, and don’t forget that your left leg is your wooden leg (lefty loosey is a good rhyme to remember this) and not a good one to rest on the table saw, just in case! The right one is fine as long as the safety is on and the cover is up, as the table saw makes a VERY comfortable leg rest!
Open all windows in the shop when using chemicals like paint and paint thinner, and never challenge your more skillful friend to a chainsaw fight while drinking!
Proper ventilation is important in a small enclosed space, and also, no matter how cool you think the trick might be, NEVER get drunk and have a chainsaw fight with your buddies! If you think there is potential for danger to yourself, don’t bet your buddy $500 that you’ll win in a chainsaw fight when you know he’s more skilled than you. Safety is important both in the shop AND on the streets, and sometimes all it takes is one careless moment after a long night of too many bud lights to cause a lifetime of regret!
5 Ways to Commit to Being Vegan Without Ever Committing to Being Vegan
In a world full of people who are constantly making you feel guilty for things (I’m talking to YOU, Stacy) like not doing your part and becoming Vegan because the environment will surely benefit from one person in the suburbs not eating so many ribs, I’ve come up with a surefire way to trick the world into thinking you’re a Vegan without ever having to fully commit to being Vegan! Trust me- it’ll just be our little secret that you’re secretly killing the environment while the entire world- including Stacy- will think you’re both woke AND a great environmentalist/human being!
Stock your shelves that people will see with tofu, fruits, vegetables, figs, bread and other starches. And then saw out a piece of dry wall in the basement, put a mini fridge filled with bacon, frozen meatballs, and the good cheese behind it, place the piece of wall back, and hang a vintage framed photo over it so no one will ever think to look there.
At a party where there’s no vegan options but your Mom is watching your every move to make sure your sticking to your strict Vegan diet? No prob! Eat any nearby decorative plant that doesn’t look poisonous while staring your mother straight in the eyes. Then excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and eat that baconator you’ve been carrying around in your purse! Even if it’s been in there awhile, it’ll still taste better than that houseplant!
On a hot date? Order the sexiest vegan option, like a plant based burrito, and then when it comes yell “Woah, is that Hulk Hogan at the salad bar?!?!” And when your date turns around to see if it’s really Hulk Hogan, take out the bacon bits and shredded cheddar you’ve kept in your pocket, and load that baby up!
Have a favorite neighborhood supermarket where people know you and are secretly keeping track of everything you buy? Make sure to buy all of your vegan options there, and then drive three counties over wearing Groucho glasses and a hat, pretend you’re on Supermarket Sweep, and load up two carts full of Tostinos, Pierogis, and White Castle sliders in under 5 minutes. Store it at an allies’ house until the house is empty and you can safely get them to your secret fridge.
This is a trick I learned as a young child- if you’re in a pinch and can’t secretly eat an Italian hoagie in an empty storage room, no biggie- just yell “I’m on vacation!” Even if you’re not on vacation, this phrase makes it OK to do, say, or eat whatever the fuck you want. Things don’t count when you’re on vacation, and you’ll still be an upstanding Vegan in the eyes of all of those around you, because hey- they get it! You’re on vacation, and nothing counts when you’re on vacation! So go ahead and have that meatball calzone topped with a few pigs in a blanket!
I Totally Would’ve Been a J. Crew Model if it Weren’t for the GOD DAMN CAST OF DAWSON’S CREEK
I was once a starry-eyed teenager with hopes and aspirations in 1999! I felt like I could do ANYTHING- create a funky jewelry line, lift a car with my newfound pre-pubescent endless supply of angst-driven adrenaline, be a sweater model in a fun J.Crew catalogue...I mean, seriously, how hard could it possibly be to be a successful J. Crew catalogue model? TONS of teens my age seemed to be hanging out in fields with footballs and laying by a lake with their Jansport’s- surely I also had a face for sweaters and Jansport’s!
So I went ahead and spent all of my babysitting money on one fancy and surprisingly very warm J. Crew sweater, and then babysat for 11 more weeks non-stop so I could afford to have fancy commercial shots taken in the new VERY EXPENSIVE and surprisingly warm sweater! Sure, the shoot was in July, but even though I had never REALLY acted before I considered myself a real method actor- I WAS going to wear a sweater while walking on jagged rocks in an ocean during a heat wave! But then, something even more devastating than dying of a heat stroke in an overpriced J. Crew sweater or falling off of a jetty into the Atlantic Ocean happened- I received my beloved J. Crew catalogue in the mail to find that the cast of a newly popular show called Dawson’s Creek took over MY beloved magazine. Now, I didn’t know who these adults dressed like kids sitting on ladders and in boats were, but THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!
At first, I panicked and ate a tub of vanilla ice cream (as, at the time, I assumed all people who invest time and energy in J. Crew catalogues do), but then I thought- W.W.A.L.D.? I’m certain you know this refers to Anouck Leper, J. Crew Teen God. Anyway, back to the “Creek Geeks”- this was just one issue, maybe a special W.B. sponsorship thing, so I took my panic down from Level 10.9 to a Level 6 and didn’t cancel my photo shoot. The next week, I was off in my parent’s van forcing them to pump the AC all the way up (I was already wearing said sweater- METHOD ACTING) on my way to Ocean City to meet someone who recently graduated from NYU and charged $600 for headshots.
Needless to say, after a makeup person I paid an extra $100 for made me look like I had no makeup on- per J. Crew’s style- and a hair person I paid an additional $75 for put my hair in a ponytail and then took it down and brushed it because I don’t have a face for ponytails, I channeled every J. Crew Ad I’d ever glued my eyeballs to for excessive amounts of time. I looked casually to one side as my hair blew in the wind, and then looked casually to the other side as a crossed my arms suggesting a fall breeze in the 102-degree weather. In those two moments, I knew I’d cinched a prestigious spot in my beloved J. Crew catalogue because it was still mostly normies like me and not W.B. teen sensations NOR teens who were professional models.
I developed the photos, had my best sweater-shots made into 8 by 10 glossy photos, fashioned a USPS parcel box to look like a canoe because I thought J. Crew would be super into it, lit my 5 candles in front of my J. Crew shrine, sent off an old catalogue in a Viking funeral fashion because it seemed like it’d bring good juju and secure my spot as a J. Crew model, and then waited! I knew I had it in the bag. Weeks and weeks passed without me getting any snail-mail from J. Crew besides these CATALOGUES THAT STILL HAD THE CAST OF DAWSON’S CREEK ON THEM! 18 years later, and I’m still wearing that same sweater, sitting by the mail every day and hoping that I get delivered the great news that J. Crew wants me to be their next big model and NOT another catalogue with the cast members of Dawson’s Creek on it. I still haven’t given up, and WILL WAIT FOREVER, Paula Cole.
An Open Letter to the Hatman AND the Scatman
Dear Hatman and Scatman,
Or should I say Lou Bega and John Paul Larkin? On second thought, I think Hatman and Scatman really sum it up. I just want to say “hats off” for releasing a collabo called “Scatman and Hatman” between two of the greatest artists to blare out of the Wildwood Boardwalk speakers two decades ago! Sheer ba-dop-ba-da-dop-brilliance. Hats off, Hatman. Scats off, Scatman.
I do have one question for the Hatman though…was the Scat-man even involved in this video? Have you two ever been in the same room together? Could you ACTUALLY be the same person? I only ask because you DO both wear hats, and all of the Scat-man’s footage is from his original video. The lyrics do begin with “Scatman and Hatman travel in time!” but to be honest it only looks like the Hatman is actually travelling in time, as Scatman is exactly how he was in the 1995 hit video from the critically acclaimed* (if it wasn’t, it SHOULD be) album “Scatman’s World”.
The sheer idea that one of you in the future and one of you in stock footage form could collaborate makes my adolescent heart (now stuck in a 35 year old woman’s body) skip a be-ba-bop-ba-dop-beat. Both of your songs ruled the Wildwood Boardwalk in the late 1990’s! I remember being stuck on the Tilt-A-Whirl because the ride operator Ricky had a crush on my Aunt Roe. The whole 45 minutes was a blur of “Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop” and “A Little Bit of Tina by my side!” At one point, Ricky would just chime in on the PA system when any woman’s name was said and replace it with “Roe!” It would’ve been more charming were we not on the verge of puking after leaning to the left on turns for almost a full hour.
I think you did a really nice job of bringing the song into modern times with the second line- “Scatman & Hatman going online!” And by “you”, I mean “Hatman” because you had to write all of the lyrics. Or maybe you and Scatman sat down in a hat factory (or a scat factory? …I hope it wasn’t that one) and penned the words? Perhaps Scatman is being followed too closely by the government and has a new face (I bet he kept the same hat), and this is the reason he didn’t want to appear in the video. I mean, in 1995 I honestly didn’t know either of you wore hats because that was before the golden age of the Internet. If only I paid more attention to The Box when someone paid $1.99 via phone to request your feel-good-videos-of-the-summer-I would’ve clearly caught on that you were both “hatman’s”!
I’m sorry if I seem to be focusing more on the Hatman here, Scatman. I know this is an open letter to be-ba-bop-ba-dop-both of you, but I’m really not sure you exist based on the fact that I’ve only ever seen you in that video from 1995. I really would’ve liked to see you scatting in a nice hat in this new video. I mean, the original video is a CLASSIC so maybe you were thinking “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and I get it, believe me. Who can touch lyrics like “The stutter and the scat is the same thing.” Easily the coolest stance on speech disorders TO DATE. Not to be overlooked for your political stance in the lyrics, “Why should we be pleasin' all the politician heathens who would try to change the seasons if they could?” If you decide to come out of hiding, the 2020 elections are coming up and you’d make a great campaign manager!
Before I let you go (because I’m pretty sure only the Hatman will actually see this), I do have one more question for you, the Hatman- did you think of having a hat counter in the corner of any of your videos? It would be a logical move to have one in everything you do from here on out, and that might be a cool way to incorporate present-day Scatman in future projects! Maybe he can scat the number of hats he sees in the corner of the screen? Imagine how cool it would be to hear him say “Three-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!” after the third hat is shown! If it seems like a good idea to you, it’s all yours- royalty free-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop!
I hope you didn’t take offense to my hat-counter idea, Hatman. This truly is a love letter to both of you (please pass this along to the Scatman, Hatman- as I’m sure he’s not reading this) patting you on the hat…I mean scat…I mean skee-ba-bop-ba-dop-back for bringing together two icons of my childhood- I can’t hear either of your songs without imagining myself spinning backwards on the Himalaya, and I thank you from the be-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop-bottom of my heart for that.
Yours in Hats, A little bit of Aubrie-ba-da-bop-ba-dop Williams by your side 4evr