If You See Me On Match.com, Please Know that You Will Be Dating a Copy of My Old Theater Headshot
Let me start with an introduction: I am a modern Woman who has a full-time job, owns a car and a condo, works out on the regular, doesn’t have to answer to anybody, and also over-purchased black & white copies of my theater headshots when I was 22. So, if you happen to be perusing a modern dating site and see pictures of me cliff-diving in the Alps or reading a book in a park, know that when you express digital interest in me- you will never meet me in human form but instead be dating one of 482 copies of my headshot I have left!
I know what that some of you may be thinking, “Humans can’t date a copy of a headshot!” Well, hey- if you think that way, you’re not open-minded enough to be dating one of the beautiful glossy copies of my headshots that have been sitting in my parent’s attic in a box for the past three years! Modern love doesn’t look like the old-timey “two humans holding hands in a park.” Modern love is anything you want it to be, and for me it’s 482 human beings falling head over heels for my old theater headshots!
Since I am a modern Woman, I’ve studied many things and read once that a photograph contains a piece of your soul. I really don’t want these pieces of my soul to go to waste in this day and age, so I figured the most meaningful thing I could do was to put them out there in the dating world. My headshots are pretty adventurous and daring, like myself- some suggested dates for you and one of my old theater headshots are to go on a hike, meet up for a happy hour, or go see a movie- I’ll even make my old theater headshot where a red rose or a funky hat so you know who to look for at the venue!
In this modern world, dating is sometimes unconventional, and hey- I was young and naïve and purchased 1,000 headshots because they were on a nice cardstock and didn’t cost that much. My headshots love a fine wine paired with a nice cheese as much as I do, and I promise in this day and age no one will even blink an eye if you’re sitting on a bench swing with a beautiful black and white 8x10 glossy photo! I once saw a guy pushing a three-foot sub in a baby stroller and society totally accepted it, so have no fear that this won’t be accepted as normal- I promise you it will.
Dating one of my headshots comes with some perks in addition to the sheer opportunity of dating one of my vintage theater headshots! I can autograph it for you if you’d like, as I was once on an episode of Forensic Files. If you’re more of a purist, I’ll leave it as is and include some fun paper clothes so you can dress it up for any occasion. And if you’re one of those people who hates paper-cuts (and who doesn’t!), I’ll even throw in a free pair of gloves! So when you’re flipping through dating profiles, know that I’m just a girl, staring at a boy (or girl or toaster oven- I’m very progressive) and begging it to date one of my 482 theater headshots left over from 1999. And who knows- one day maybe all of my leftover headshots will be happily married and living in a cottage somewhere with anyone who is reading this!
Published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency on March 30,2017 (https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-you-see-me-on-matchcom-please-know-that-you-will-be-dating-a-copy-of-my-old-theater-headshot)
5 Ways to Commit to Being Vegan Without Ever Committing to Being Vegan
In a world full of people who are constantly making you feel guilty for things (I’m talking to YOU, Stacy) like not doing your part and becoming Vegan because the environment will surely benefit from one person in the suburbs not eating so many ribs, I’ve come up with a surefire way to trick the world into thinking you’re a Vegan without ever having to fully commit to being Vegan! Trust me- it’ll just be our little secret that you’re secretly killing the environment while the entire world- including Stacy- will think you’re both woke AND a great environmentalist/human being!
Stock your shelves that people will see with tofu, fruits, vegetables, figs, bread and other starches. And then saw out a piece of dry wall in the basement, put a mini fridge filled with bacon, frozen meatballs, and the good cheese behind it, place the piece of wall back, and hang a vintage framed photo over it so no one will ever think to look there.
At a party where there’s no vegan options but your Mom is watching your every move to make sure your sticking to your strict Vegan diet? No prob! Eat any nearby decorative plant that doesn’t look poisonous while staring your mother straight in the eyes. Then excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and eat that baconator you’ve been carrying around in your purse! Even if it’s been in there awhile, it’ll still taste better than that houseplant!
On a hot date? Order the sexiest vegan option, like a plant based burrito, and then when it comes yell “Woah, is that Hulk Hogan at the salad bar?!?!” And when your date turns around to see if it’s really Hulk Hogan, take out the bacon bits and shredded cheddar you’ve kept in your pocket, and load that baby up!
Have a favorite neighborhood supermarket where people know you and are secretly keeping track of everything you buy? Make sure to buy all of your vegan options there, and then drive three counties over wearing Groucho glasses and a hat, pretend you’re on Supermarket Sweep, and load up two carts full of Tostinos, Pierogis, and White Castle sliders in under 5 minutes. Store it at an allies’ house until the house is empty and you can safely get them to your secret fridge.
This is a trick I learned as a young child- if you’re in a pinch and can’t secretly eat an Italian hoagie in an empty storage room, no biggie- just yell “I’m on vacation!” Even if you’re not on vacation, this phrase makes it OK to do, say, or eat whatever the fuck you want. Things don’t count when you’re on vacation, and you’ll still be an upstanding Vegan in the eyes of all of those around you, because hey- they get it! You’re on vacation, and nothing counts when you’re on vacation! So go ahead and have that meatball calzone topped with a few pigs in a blanket!
5 DIY Hacks I Learned From My Grade-School Shop Teacher With A Wooden Leg
Wood cut into a triangle makes a great doorstopper, and kids love sliding down sawdust piles at Old Mills!
The second part sounds unconventional, but so was Mr. Kirkson! He claimed kids loved sliding down old sawdust piles better than any fancy playground, and we thought it was real brave of him to go there since it seemed ultimately dangerous for the state of his wooden leg!
Use an old mason jar for the top of a gumball machine, and also you can donate all of your wooden legs to the school’s health class for when they learn about prosthetics!
Mason jars make great gumball machines when paired with a wooden base, and also it’s great to expand your student’s knowledge about prosthetics! Once your insurance covers the new Wooden Leg 5.0, donate the older version to the schools Health class! That way the kids can have a real grasp on all the almost most up-to-date prosthetics in existence! Bonus points if you carve “Health Class Rulez +” into it before passing it along!
If you melt a record down and shape it correctly it can be used as a neat desk organizer! Also, pranks are fun!
The record desk organizers hold pencils and paper nicely! And don’t forget to make sure to not tell the incoming sixth grade class you have a wooden leg, that way while you’re carving on the wooden table with a knife you can switch gears and stab your wooden leg when they LEAST EXPECT IT! It’s sure to give them all a good chuckle, and won’t hurt you at all because your leg is wooden!
Always wear safety goggles, and be sure never to put your left leg too close to a table saw!
Safety is important, especially when working with young children! You don’t want to lose and eye- or a leg, but hey, it happens! Safety goggles prevent the eye part, and don’t forget that your left leg is your wooden leg (lefty loosey is a good rhyme to remember this) and not a good one to rest on the table saw, just in case! The right one is fine as long as the safety is on and the cover is up, as the table saw makes a VERY comfortable leg rest!
Open all windows in the shop when using chemicals like paint and paint thinner, and never challenge your more skillful friend to a chainsaw fight while drinking!
Proper ventilation is important in a small enclosed space, and also, no matter how cool you think the trick might be, NEVER get drunk and have a chainsaw fight with your buddies! If you think there is potential for danger to yourself, don’t bet your buddy $500 that you’ll win in a chainsaw fight when you know he’s more skilled than you. Safety is important both in the shop AND on the streets, and sometimes all it takes is one careless moment after a long night of too many bud lights to cause a lifetime of regret!